Opening Up

So I'm reading all the blogs of my fellow cast mates.  It seems that the support group idea is really striking a cord with people.  I've been inspired and awed by the courage of those around me who are willing to be vulnerable and transparent.  So many feelings are flowing forth.  I kinda want to jump on that train.  I don't know why, but I feel safe in this community.  I hope I don't regret opening up.  Until this show I have never even considered writing a blog post.  I rarely ever post anything on Facebook.  I read and make comments, but I rarely post anything myself.  And the reason is that I just cannot fathom why anyone would give a flying fuck what I have to say about anything.  I feel much the same way offline too.  What could I possibly have to contribute that would be of any value?  I've had a lifelong love/hate relationship with myself.  More hate than love.  Much more.  Fantasies of suicide are not foreign to me.  I'd never do it, but a girl can dream :) .  I usually feel that I "deserve" to feel the way I do about myself.  I was just recently diagnosed with Chronic Depression.  Not a big shock, but it was such a relief to know that my depression was an actual physical issue and not just because I was a pathetic waste of flesh.  We were asked to give our one word to describe our feelings last rehearsal and I said, "Scared."  That is one thing I can personally relate to in the character of Angel.  She desperately wants to be remembered for the way she loved others and not just an ugly gay man with a disease.  She doesn't want the disease to define her because that's not what she is.  It's what she's forced to deal with.  I also carry the burden of this dilemma.  When I'm battling those dark thoughts that constantly tell me that I'm ugly, fat, stupid, boring, unworthy and a burden on everyone around me, I still have that tiny, little quiet voice that is still screaming, "I used to be a person, damn it!!!  My life used to be important!"  I want to die knowing that I made a positive impact on the world.  I don't want to be a disease.  I want to be a person, damn it!

How About Love?

          So I'm delving more and more into this character.  Some lovely insights are popping up as they always do.  I've read up a little on the Bohemian lifestyle as I realized that most of the characters in the show are in this situation by choice not circumstance.  I've also been thinking about what it would be like to diagnosed with full blown AIDS in the early 90's.  Many of the major life threatening diseases we can face today often come with a glimmer of hope.  Not every story ends well, but there's usually a few options.  AIDS, at that time, was not one of those.  It was a death sentence.  That's it.  Now, personally, the Bohemian lifestyle is appealing to me.  But, like most, I have bills and a desire to keep my creature comforts.  But what if I knew for a fact that I had very little time left?  Where would my priorities lie then?  Would it be continuing to work for the Man to keep my creature comforts that ultimately mean nothing?  So many of us live in this vicious cycle of working long hours doing things we don't like so that we can keep things that don't really matter.  Having things is nice, but if we lose most of our time to enjoy our passions and loves of life, what have we gained?  How would I spend my last year on Earth?  Not to be corny, but "How about love?" is quite appropriate.  I hope I would spend it loving.  Loving everything I do in life.  Truly enjoying every moment.  Not just getting by or passing time.  That's existing.  I want to LIVE.  I would spend it loving others.  Because, I believe, the ultimate joy a human being can experience is truly loving and being loved by others.  There is no drug that can match that.  I want to love so well that I will be missed when I'm gone.  You don't have to impact the lives of millions of people.  If one person is richer for the experience of having you in their lives, then you loved well.

This is my first time.

So here I am writing my first blog.  This is a new experience for me.  Much like being cast in the musical RENT.  Now, being cast in a show is not new to me.  I've been doing shows my whole life.  The theatre is my home and where I am most comfortable and most myself.  However, with RENT, I find myself in a curious dilemma.  Throughout my career, I've learned what my character type is and what roles I can reasonably expect to get based on that.  This formula has never let me down.  Then RENT came along and I got cast as the beautiful gay drag queen who steals the hearts of the audience.  Shit.  For the first time in my career as an actor I find myself wondering, "What the fuck were they thinking?"  Don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED to have the chance to play this character.  I love the opportunity to play characters as far removed from myself as possible.  However, I find myself struggling with how to approach this.  I'm not even close to the "standard" representation of Angel.  First of all, I'm much older than most, if not all, of my fellow leads.  So I'm trying to figure out how I fit in with all these "kids".  And second, I'm scared that I'll be an ugly ass woman.  I mean, ugly... ass... woman.  Especially after meeting my "love interest" who is a nice looking young man.  Now I'm not a terrible looking guy, but I'm certainly no pretty boy.  Trying to justify why a good looking young man like our "Tom" would be interested in a goofy looking older guy like me is an interesting challenge.  However, I do love a good theatrical challenge.  I trust Jesse's vision and that helps tremendously.  I also have enough experience to know that once I find that storyline that makes a goofy looking old guy like me the perfect Angel, I'm gonna nail that shit.  So, let the journey begin and forgive me if I have a slightly perplexed look along the way.

-The Queen