Opening Up

So I'm reading all the blogs of my fellow cast mates.  It seems that the support group idea is really striking a cord with people.  I've been inspired and awed by the courage of those around me who are willing to be vulnerable and transparent.  So many feelings are flowing forth.  I kinda want to jump on that train.  I don't know why, but I feel safe in this community.  I hope I don't regret opening up.  Until this show I have never even considered writing a blog post.  I rarely ever post anything on Facebook.  I read and make comments, but I rarely post anything myself.  And the reason is that I just cannot fathom why anyone would give a flying fuck what I have to say about anything.  I feel much the same way offline too.  What could I possibly have to contribute that would be of any value?  I've had a lifelong love/hate relationship with myself.  More hate than love.  Much more.  Fantasies of suicide are not foreign to me.  I'd never do it, but a girl can dream :) .  I usually feel that I "deserve" to feel the way I do about myself.  I was just recently diagnosed with Chronic Depression.  Not a big shock, but it was such a relief to know that my depression was an actual physical issue and not just because I was a pathetic waste of flesh.  We were asked to give our one word to describe our feelings last rehearsal and I said, "Scared."  That is one thing I can personally relate to in the character of Angel.  She desperately wants to be remembered for the way she loved others and not just an ugly gay man with a disease.  She doesn't want the disease to define her because that's not what she is.  It's what she's forced to deal with.  I also carry the burden of this dilemma.  When I'm battling those dark thoughts that constantly tell me that I'm ugly, fat, stupid, boring, unworthy and a burden on everyone around me, I still have that tiny, little quiet voice that is still screaming, "I used to be a person, damn it!!!  My life used to be important!"  I want to die knowing that I made a positive impact on the world.  I don't want to be a disease.  I want to be a person, damn it!